The · shadows · of · my · thoughts

so i waited the month to be approved for the ipledge program and get my pregnancy tests done, even started my birth control (bc) that i don't plan to need in the near future and then when my 7 day perscription window opened found that my insurance needed a prior approval to be able to pay for the overly priced medication, a.k.a Accutane...

So i waited until my 7 day window was over and i still didn't get a call from my pharmacy saying the papers had come in and that i could fill my perscription. And because it was going to be my first one, i can't have another pregnancy test for another 19 days. At which time i can finally start a new 'first perscription'.

Let me say now that i'm really not happy at all... I've waited a month anticipating the day when i could start this medication and get the worst part over with quickly, now i find i have to wait another month before that idea becomes a reality. That is if my insurance decides to come through and actually pay for said medication... I really hope it does because my family can't afford to pay $600+ a month for me to take it.

I guess for another month i'll attempt to cover up my red inflammed face with what little makeup i have. I might have to go and pick up some benzyol peroxide though to keep the breakouts to a slight minimum while i wait...

I was reading posts the other day on random websites about all the side effects of isotretinoin and how people were saying it wasn't worth the chance of becoming depressed and having suicidal thoughts. I have this odd feeling that those people have never had severe acne problems. Because apparently they don't understand what it's like to go around all day with people staring at you in disgust and calling you ugly. It's probably the worst emotional scar i have. I honestly can't wait until month 5 when i'll be able to look in the mirror and not have to put makeup on to cover a whole cheek of my face because it's horribly red and inflamed.

It's only been in these last 8 months that i've really seen a horrible downslide in my skin. Not saying i ever had clear beautiful skin before... if i remember correctly i've been dealing with acne since the 4th grade. i really didn't notice it then because i was to young to really care about my appearance, but i remember my sister telling me that i should begin washing my face. Me being the stubborn child that i was refused. Now my boyfriend can't even touch my face to kiss me without me cringing in pain...

I don't know how many emotional breakdowns i've had because of this acne problem... but i'm ready for it to end. Even if it is only for a few years at minimum. I'd love it if my wedding pictures didn't need to be photoshopped (unlike my senior pictures). That would be amazing if i wore make up that day because i wanted to enhance my appearance instead of covering up blemishes that will never go away and only get worse.

I actually think that the make up is making my breakouts worse, but i can't go through a school day with my face not somewhat covered and deal with the stares i'd get... or comments. I feel so pathetic when i say that also because this is only of the most cosmetic things i've ever done. Along with getting a red dot laserly removed from my nose at my mothers wishes.